I am so sick of the fact that the dream I’m pursuing is so demanding and costly, literally. I also have to think of everything and their consequences in the long term aka 10 years from now. which is tbh pointless because nobody is certain what can happen tomorrow let alone 10 years from now.
I am not being ungrateful or running out of patience, but I seriously question these almost always. It’s a matter of being a girl, sometimes, and a matter of being an Afghan, at others. I learnt the hard way that afghans are almost never liked by any governments lol. Also, that being a girl is no privilege, lol.
But jokes apart, Can my dad afford a year of medicine? Can he afford paying 5 years of med school fees? Will I regret this one day? Is that day soon? Can I do other things besides cramming human anatomy? will I have time to read my favourite book? Can I keep up my social life, the one I’m very attached and used to?
will my husband mind my night shifts? What age will I get married at? Will my kids tolerate distance every now and then? is there going to be war in this country before I manage to graduate and run away?
Plan B, for the longest time was dentistry. But I have the strongest feeling I will regret it, and quite soon tbh. I’d hate to wake up every day to go to a work that I have zero interest in.
Which brings to me a thought, what am I actually interested in, other than medicine? Sharia Law, International relations, majoring in English, etc etc. Is my interests in these subjects strong enough for me to pursue them as careers? What will I end up doing, anyway, even if I do go ahead with these fields? I feel too ignorant to know anything about those, to begin with it, so do you see my problem?
Do I worry too much? Yes. Is it pointless to worry? Yes. Am I good at stressing? Hell, yeah. What can I do? Idk, atm the best answer I can come up with is to be patient. It’s probably a test, and a hard one indeed. I need to be guided by God, because Him alone can help me through this. I can’t just make a decision AND feel good about it just overnight. I need time, and God knows, I need patience and guidance.
اللهم اقدر لي الخير حيث كان ثم أرضني به
Lord, destine for me what is best for me then make me satisfied with it.